Destructive comments are the cutting, sarcastic comments we let fly with or without intention. They serve no other purpose than to put people down, hurt them, or assert themselves as “superior.” They are different from comments that add too much value. This type of comment adds nothing but pain. Are you making destructive comments? It’s one of the hardest things to diagnose yourself.
One of the most challenging habits is to evaluate oneself, but you can always listen to those around you to gauge your guilt. And if that makes you cringe, allow Marshall Goldsmith to help you:
Teaching Leaders What to Stop: Making Destructive Comments
I’m a little sceptical of self-diagnosis. Most people tend to overestimate their strengths and overrate their weaknesses. They might think that they are terrible at something; they’re only mediocre or “kind of” bad. Where they see cancer, the doctor diagnoses a muscle pull. I hope that you are not too hard on yourself but that you do change.
If you are guilty of Making Destructive Comments, however, this one you’ll want to stop. Immediately. Destructive comments are the cutting, sarcastic comments we let fly with or without intention. They serve no other purpose than to put people down, hurt them, or assert themselves as “superior.” They are different from comments that add too much value.
This type of comment adds nothing but pain. See if any of these ring a bell. “Nice tie” (smirk). “Good move” (as someone stumbles on the carpet). Those are the quick quips. There are also extended critiques of your co-worker’s past performance. Something that everyone but you has forgotten. (“Do you remember the time you missed that critical deadline and the whole company almost went under?”)
The thing about Making Destructive Comments is that if you press someone to list the ones they’ve made in the last 24 hours, they will draw a blank. Most of us make these cutting remarks without thinking, so we don’t remember them. But the recipients of these remarks remember. The feedback that I’ve collected says that “avoids destructive comments” is one of the two items with the lowest correlation between seeing ourselves and how others see us.
In other words, we don’t think we make destructive comments, but the people who know us disagree. Destructive comments are an easy habit to fall into, especially among people who habitually rely on candour as a management tool. The problem is that candour can become a weapon if people permit themselves to issue destructive comments under the guise that “they are true.”
Before you make a destructive comment, like yourself, not “Is it true?” but, “Is it worth it?” We all spend a lot of time filtering our “truth-telling” throughout the day. Little white lies abound like, “I like your haircut.” When what you want to say is that it looks ridiculous! We know the difference between honesty and full disclosure – this is a basic survival instinct! We may think our boss is lame, but we are under no moral or ethical obligation to express that to the boss or to anyone else for that matter.
Extend this survival instinct throughout the organization with your peers, managers, direct reports. You might even find it benefits your relationships!
Here’s a simple test you can use to help you avoid destructive comments. Before speaking, ask yourself:
1. Will this comment help our customers?
2. Will this comment help our company?
3. Will this comment help the person I’m talking to?
4. Will this comment help the person I’m talking about?
If the answer is no, the correct strategy is to say no!